feb 23 is Chrysta’s birthday. she would be 47 this year. i would have called her and made fun of her for being older than me, just like i have every year on her birthday, probably since i was old enough to talk. i am not sure what i will do this year. i expect there will be a lot of crying, i will definitely eat some cake. but other than that i have no idea. oddly there is no manual for losing your sister (i did that on purpose Dannie) so i don’t know what to do on her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas were easier i think because they are bigger than a single person, you have other traditions and people around you to take some of the missing away, there are pockets of sadness when you see or do something that triggers a memory, but then the rest of the poeple and traditions come in for a bit and move you on with the tide of the holiday.
but a birthday, a fucking birthday.. that is just about one person, a spotlight, right there on an empty chair. i don’t like empty chairs. i like chairs with people in them. with balloons tied to them and too many candles on their cake.
so if you have any helpful hints let me know.. if you don’t that is fine too, i don’t think there is any real answer anyway. i will muddle through, i am sure this isn’t the last time i will be a mess as i adjust to this void, but adjust i will.
thanks for listening 🙂
I will tell you something not a lot of people know… my big sister and I had a very very big fight a few years before she died, she actually didn’t speak to me unless it was to yell at me for about 6 months, what I did wasn’t really that bad, it was completely necessary, even. In time she realized it, ‘forgave’ me and even thanked me for what I had done that had caused the rift between us.
3 months ago on the morning that she passed away, all I could think of was how glad I was that that rift had been mended and we were again as close as we had been before it happened. She was again one of my best friends and someone I could count on to be there for me as I would be there for her.
I can’t imagine how much greater the pain of her passing would have been if we hadn’t resumed our regular conversations about absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything…
I ask you now to take a moment and look around you… literally and figuratively… look at the people who are and have been part of your life. The ones who are still there and the ones who are not. The ones who are there, do you make sure they are aware of their importance in your life. Do you thank them for the things they do and tell them you love and/or appreciate them and their presence in your life? Now the ones who are not there… some we obviously can’t do anything about they are beyond our reach, lost to us and there will always be a piece of our heart missing, but some, SOME, we can still reach out to and try to mend that rift and see if there is a way to bring them back into our lives. We might not even be aware of what caused them to pull away, or we might know exactly what it was, we may need to give or ask for forgiveness.
I understand this may need some thought, and i fully understand not all rifts can be mended. It might not be something that can be decided right now, all I ask is that you look around and think about it. Can you really live without that person for the rest of your life, without that forgiving or forgiveness? Think about the part they have played in your life up to now, and what has been missing since they stopped being part of your life. Now imagine you don’t have a chance to make up for lost time.
Feel free to share this post if you think others can benefit from it. Family is too precious to let petty grievances keep them apart.
OK, after a little more thought and not having been blindsided by the loss of another loved one (extended family, but family still). i have decided to offer 2014 a second chance at a review…
i still conclude that 2014 offered more than its fair share of unpleasantness compared to past years, i lost my last remaining grandparent, Pate, at the end of March, our doggie, Spot, who was a part of the family for 15 years left us in July. but neither of these were big surprises and i was somewhat prepared for their eventuality, however the death of my big sister, Chrysta, in November was a sudden and unexpected blow. i am still reeling from this and expect to for a very long time, perhaps forever. the strangest things still send me into tears, sometimes just a teary eye, sometimes uncontrollable sobs, it is totally random.
on the other hand, new family members arrived as well, a new great-nephew, a new niece and a new cousin come to mind, and i am sure there were others as well, and of course the opportunities presented to see family that i haven’t seen in years when gathering at my mom’s in March and again in November.
the good will always outweigh the bad as we all continue to live and love and celebrate the friends and family we have loved and lost and still have with us today. those that know me know that i won’t allow myself to remain in yesterdays state of sad very long, life is too short and unpredictable.
Make every moment count. Happy New Year. Enjoy 2015
Chrys with two of her Grandkids
Pate on his motorcycle
i was going to try and write a coherent and thoughtful post about both the good and bad things that happened this year to commemorate my ‘new’ blog but the more i sit here trying to put it together the more i am dwelling on the bad/sad things that i went through this year. 2014 seemed to have more than its normal share of shitty. so i say screw 2014, i will not review you, you son of a bitch. 2015 is coming and will be SO much nicer and cooler than you. 2015 is going to be my new best friend, and you 2014 i am not even sure i will keep you on my friends list…
so there you have it. out with the old, in with the new…
Happy New Year, my friends.